Every week I start off Monday morning ready to kick the crap out of the day and week. By Monday night, I’m ready to fall apart.
I hate living back at home, I hate not having my own space, I hate being in a house full of people and animals and being so alone. I turn to food to cope. I’ve put on at least 20 pounds. I diligently go to crossfit. I run. I teach multiple group exercise classes per week. My whole body hurts. My soul hurts. I’ve been making promises to myself week after week and day after day to clean my act up. The problem is, I was silently making these promises and then promptly dismissing them. I can’t afford to do that anymore.
This week, I took to Facebook with a really honest and humbling post. I still feel sort of dumb for posting it, but the support that it’s generated and the sense of accountability I feel has been worth it. I feel like although I might not straighten out perfectly and absolutely, it’s going to help me heal.
One thing I know for sure about myself is that I am an externally referenced person. In a way, I’ve been taught to see this quality as a negative. With my post on Facebook, however, I finally feel like I’m changing a negative into a positive. I broke some of my cardinal Facebook rules for this- don’t swear (okay, I break that one sometimes anyway) and don’t air your dirty laundry (okay, there’ve been a few PA posts in my FB past)- but it’s been incredibly helpful. Friends have reached out to me and given me some tools for coping and support that I just can’t find in self-help books and websites.
I guess using my qualities- particularly the ones that I fall back on and consider weaknesses- as strengths, is going to be what gets me through this period of my life. Drawing on my own tendency to be an externally referenced person is one such quality. Being a planner is another.
Honestly, I am so thankful that my parents have given me a home to live in, that my own home sold quickly, that my child is so incredibly loved by both of his parents, and that I have work that I enjoy, but I really am at my rock bottom. Planning and looking ahead are cornerstones to my very existence as a busy, working mom. The divorce- and all that comes with it- is forcing me to utilize my planning abilities while simultaneously taking one day at a time; I’m planning all the pieces of my life that I need to change in order to move forward and I’m learning to cope in the meantime. I can’t say it for certain now, but I think someday I’ll look back and find that there were a multitude of important lessons for me in this time.
I’m certainly not “better.” Now I feel like I can at least get there.